Honestly, like what am I even doing posting on, and reading social media? I toss thoughts out into the void for the ravening masses therein to snap up, and they get ignored save for one, or, at best, two of my friends. I suppose it helps keep me informed. It's pretty convenient not to have go out of my way to check the news, but is there really anything else enriching there? What about this site, I hoped that, among my friends, family, and randos on the internet who got lost and found their way here, I could foster a way for online engagement with me here. I put thoughts out, people read them, and if they want to respond they can do so via the website's E-mail, or if they know me, whatever method they have to contact me. The only problem is when I post here I get nothing in response. To be clear this isn't the fault of anyone potentially reading this. There is no responsibility to respond to my stream of conciousness ramblings, but it does make it hard to motivate myself. Engagement could increase if I were to advertise. The more readers, the more likely I'll get engagement, but that risks turning this into a business. That's the last thing I want. This blog should be, first and foremost, just a way for people to access me online. Here is some stuff I made, some of my thoughts, and an email address to respond if you want. Advertising sets expectations of being somthing worth selling, and I'm not hear to sell. I'm here to be.
For the time being, posting more regularly is a good first step. Honestly, a lot changed for me since I last posted in March that has gone entirely unshared. I turned 32, saw the most personally impactful film of my life (I Saw the TV Glow), and even had a deeply uncomfortable experiance that clarified some gender identity things. To be completely honest, I'm scared to talk about it. To some extent it doesn't really feel real. I know it is. I've been down this path twice already, and yet, even knowing where it leads, I'm scared to take that next step. It shouldn't be hard to admit what I have already admitted. In my coming out post on Facebook linked here I described my gender exploration as on going and identifying as Non-Binary as a convenient base to explore out from. I never described it as home, and it never really was. Four years later, I'm presenting as feminine as I can manage, taking HRT, and have even been voice training for months. I must reckon with the most obvious conclusion, and yet I struggle to type it here, or even tell people I trust. I know from experiance that this pervasive anxiety probably means it's as real as it gets, and I literally have nothing to lose. The fact of the matter is: I am a woman.
I feel a strong impulse to "prove it" which is as frustrating as it is understandable. "Cis until found guilty of trans." Thats the way of things right? Even within the community. Pretty much any online post with the header "Am I Trans?" winds up being structured the same way: "here's a list of things I have experianced. Am I trans?" We seem to have a universal need to "prove" ourselves somehow, but how do you "prove" your identity? Like, if you are cis, do you legitimately believe you could prove beyond a shadow of doubt that you are the gender you were assigned at birth? Have you tried? Why would you try? You just are who you are. I'm hella guilty of this. Just look at this note I have stored on my phone:
"Facts", like I'm building a damn court case. However, writing this particular note did help me. Not because it's "proof" that I'm a woman. It very much isn't. It's confirmation bias. It's a list of thoughts and feelings cherrypicked to conform to a conclusion I had already reached. What it did tell me is that I had reached a conclusion. Who ever said logical fallacies are never useful?
To be honest, what also bothers me is that I feel like I'm making too big of a deal about this. Like, really all I'm materially doing really is updating my pronouns. My name is the same, my gender presentation is, if not exactly the same, moving along the same trajectory. I can also imagine that some people already assumed that I'm a woman (or woman-lite *shudder*) and used they/them pronouns (as they should have) mostly as a show of respect. Basically, "coming out" again seems a bit like making a mountain out of a molehill. Weaving this "coming out" into a multiparagraph blogpost where I vent about my insecurities and anxieties isn't exactly helping with this feeling.
Wait a minute... this is my website. Why would I be concerned about how big of a deal I make my life here? I made this space as a way to express these kinds of things. Here, I don't need to ask if anyone cares. People here do care or they wouldn't have wound up here, and if they find they don't care they can leave. Simple as. "Me: unfiltered and it literally can't be anything else." It's written on the homepage. I can take up as much space as I want to here, because I made this space for me to "take up".
I'll admit this post really got away from me and cascaded into a few different directions. It wasn't even supposed to be a coming out post when I started writing it. Not that I'm apologizing for anything: Welcome to "me: unfiltered" etc... I guess if I were to tie this all together: I want to put more effort into this website, put less time and energy into the social media I built this website to escape, and oh yeah I'm a woman I guess... still feels weird, but hearing "She/Her" and "Ma'am" sure doesn't so please use those from now on.
Contact me - marensdasein@gmail.com