Contact me - marensdasein@gmail.com
I took off work today for a very important appointment. One that, given the events of yesterday is both way more important and way more terrifying. Yesterday, President Trump, signed a ton of executive orders that laid out the intent of his presidency. Among those was an executive order that seeks to redefine me out of existence. Obviously, this was coming. He told us well in advance that this was a day one priority. On its own, this executive order doesn't exactly do much to me personally. As far as the federal government is concerned, I was considered male before yesterday, and I will be considered so after. What I feel is my future closing off in front of me. This is day one of four years. Four years for an administration that would see me dead or closeted to flex their power. What remains to be seen is how much power they actually wield: what the rest of us let them get away with. Which brings me back to my appointment. At 1:30 today I am going to Equitas to discuss trans affirming care; specifically hormone replacement therapy.
I made this decision months ago, in late November, when it occured to me I no longer thought of HRT as an "if" but as a "when". From there, it was a short step from "when" to "now". It's only due to scheduling that I have had to wait till today. I won't go into details about the decision, that sort of discussion is best left to one-on-one interactions (so if you are curious feel free to email me at marensdasein@gmail.com or of course any other way you might already have to contact me). What I do want to discuss is how this appointment is making me feel. Paradoxically, I'm terrified. There is, of course, an element of uncertainty introduced by insurance I don't really know how much this is all actually going to cost me, but from what I've been told by peers already on HRT I should be able to afford it without insurance. No, what really scares me is that I am going to stop passing as cis in a political landscape where being trans is dangerous. This is a reality I will have to face, and it feels monumentally stupid to deliberately take on this risk. This won't stop me, because they want me scared. Thats how they wield power. It's not illegal for me to get HRT, there is no reason for them to make it illegal for me to get HRT, and if I let them scare me into detransitioning then they don't have to. Laws are real, but outcomes even more so. I won't let spurious and weak executive action define my outcomes. They won't pry my gender from my cold dead hands, because they can't. Even in death, my ownership of my identity is absolute. My physiology can change, their laws can change, who I am is mine alone.
Oh right. I was gonna update this after my appointment... Well, it's happening. The appointment involved the usual medical history rundown, a chat about my history with gender disphoria, and getting my blood drawn so we can establish my current hormone levels and general health. I have another appointment (remote this time for my convenience) scheduled for a week from tomorrow (Wednesday) to discuss treatment options. Aside from increased excitement, my feelings, both good and bad, have not changed. There is a nervousness in that this is a huge step in my personal development, terror for what this means for my safety in the current socio-political context, but also excitement that I will start to develop a body that I can take more joy in then merely tolerating. Expect more posts on this topic as my medical transition progresses.
Contact me - marensdasein@gmail.com