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Consciousness seeped into my brain, bringing with it the awareness of two facts: I was ravenously hungry, and I was drowsy. My body, unwilling to do anything but starve, was heavy, warm, and more comfortable than I had been at any point in the past few months. I knew from the hunger that this must be a morning after, but this was far from what I had come to expect from a morning after; let alone this morning after. I remembered setting off into the wilderness of Yellowstone, the transformation, the hunger, then… this. I managed to heave my eyelids open to peek around. I found myself in an unfamiliar bedroom. The sunlight, streaming through the blinds, suggested it was mid to late morning, and illuminated a professional chair and desk complete with a nice computer, as well as a well-stocked bookshelf. Among the miscellaneous posters, that I was unable to make out in my current state, hung an official looking academic certification of some kind. With the same slowness that consciousness seeped into my body, meager strength did as well. I struggled to get my body, any part of it, to move. I had questions, a lot of them, but more important was getting food, and in my experience food did not come to me. This time it did.
The door across from the bed creaked open as someone walked in with a wire cooling rack, the kind with fold out legs, laden with a tray of breakfast food. Eggs, bacon, pancakes, oatmeal… all piled high. It all almost fell tragically to the floor when the person supporting it all nearly dropped it in surprise as they registered my movement.
“Oh thank god you’re alive, I was worried you wouldn’t wake up. I thought the rangers went overboard on the sedative already, but then when dawn hit…”
I tried to blink away the sleep to get a better look at the mysterious individual, and open my mouth to speak but they cut me off.
“Don't try to say anything yet. I know you must have questions, but try to eat first, you’re weak enough as it is.”
It was the first time that anyone had served me breakfast in bed, and it was much appreciated. As my unknown benefactor helped me eat, and I felt more strength and energy return to my body, I got a clearer picture of the stranger now sitting on the bed. They kept their mouse brown hair cut short and unstyled in an out of sight out of mind approach. It was brushed away from their hazel eyes, which remained steady with an intense focus that belied a great deal of attention and intelligence, even distorted as they were behind thin wire rimmed glasses. Their face held a generalized softness that broke down when you noticed some of the harsher lines. The overall effect was an appealing androgyny that, even at the time, I suspected was deliberate. I think they noticed that I was staring a bit too long as they looked away. Embarrassed, I buried my own eyes in the breakfast.
I took over eating for myself as I felt my strength return more fully. They looked taken aback at first before commenting, “You recovered faster than I would expect considering what you went through last night.”
“I don’t really remember. What did happen last night?”
“To be honest I don’t have a complete picture, but here's what I remember: I was woken up at around 4 this morning when a park ranger called me saying he and a few others had just subdued a large wolf-like animal that was destroying an abandoned vehicle near Lewis Lake-”
“What vehicle?” I asked, the force of my question sending flecks of oatmeal back into the large serving bowl.
“A 2002 Ford Focus…”
“Shit,” I muttered. Well, there was no going back now.
“That was your car?”
“Was, being the operative word, yes”
“Oh...” They seemed at a bit of a loss as to how to respond before they continued a little more cautious. "Well, seeing as Lewis Lake is pretty far outside any known wolf-pack territory and that the animal was of unusual size. the ranger figured that, being part of the Yellowstone Wolf Project, I’d want to take a look. By the time I got there it was just a few minutes before dawn and you were covered in what I estimated to be entirely too many darts, even for… something… the size you... were.”
I bristled at someone else referencing that monster as me. I became it, but it took control and… did things I would never do. Hearing someone else think of me that way was crushing.
“I told the rangers to get some transportation to a lab to get you examined and collared."
"Collared?"
"Yeah, our research team uses these radio collars that track the wolves reintroduced to the park. They’re mostly to keep an eye on the packs; track their movements, behaviors, that sort of thing.” they said dismissively “Anyway. The rest of the rangers left to get some sleep, you weren’t going anywhere and I know how to handle myself. It wasn’t long after that that dawn broke and you… well… After I got over the shock of it I knew you were going to need a lot of care when you woke up. So I got you back to my place and here we are. It was a bit of a gamble assuming I could get you whatever help you’d need but I wasn’t really prepared to explain that I found… well a werewolf I guess.”
“So what happens now? You take me to some lab? Figure out what makes me tick?”
They merely stared and blinked for a moment.
"Is that what you want?" They replied after a long moment
"...no" I had the feeling that I was losing track of the conversation.
"Well then, no. I don't doubt that there's a lot to be learned by studying you… but I'm not in the habit of kidnapping people and dissecting them against their will." They said with a light chuckle.
Still unsteady, I returned the chuckle with none of their airy confidence.
“But you are in the habit of taking in random homeless people and feeding them unusually large breakfasts?” I tried to regain some footing in the conversation
They laughed a meatier laugh. “Not exactly. Being honest, you fascinate me. I mean how could you not. One moment I was keeping an eye on a sedated wolf the next an unconscious human. It’s not exactly something you see everyday.”
A silence fell between us that grew uncomfortable. I was never very eager to talk about myself.
“So… I’d uh kinda like to know a little bit about the person who just rescued me…” I started, struggling to break the silence. Then, realizing my rescuer was at a similar disadvantage. “I’m Ash Connell.” I added.
“Jayden, Jayden Warren. You can just call me Jay if you want. I'm a researcher with the Wolf Project, you probably guessed that. I have a Masters in wildlife conservation." Jayden gestured to the academic certification which I now read as being from Colorado State. "I'm also a bit of a horror movie junkie." They continued, a note of embarrassment creeping into their tone as they gestured to the various posters decorating their walls. While some of them were stunning photographs of wolves and other wildlife; others were of old monster movies: Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, and of course The Wolfman. I bit back a bitter, self-effacing remark about myself being on one of those posters wanting to let Jayden speak. "Not just the old stuff of course, but I've always especially loved the classic monster movies."
A significantly less uncomfortable pause in the conversation drifted between us as I finished the last of the food Jayden provided.
“How are you feeling?” Jayden asked, their voice thick with a genuine concern.
“Much better, thank you. This is probably the best I’ve eaten in months.” This was of course very true. Not that it was particularly hard to beat my usual dawn time Waffle House feasts, but Jayden seemed, to me anyway, to be an exceptional cook.
“That’s great to hear!” Jayden’s grin matched their relief. “Just take it easy. I need to go clean up the kitchen, it's… a bit of a mess so it might take a while, but I’ll check on you when I’m done.”
“I can help. It’s the least I can do… I recover quickly.” I moved to get up but didn’t get very far before realizing I wasn’t wearing any clothes. I sheepishly slid back under the covers. Noticing my face redden with embarrassment, Jayden stifled a chuckle.
“I have some clothes that might fit you in the closet... If you really feel up to helping I won’t stop you, but keep in mind you took enough tranquilizer darts last night that you honestly should be dead. It’s really for the best that you take it easy.” With that they gathered up the ersatz table and dishes and left to start on the kitchen, shutting the door behind them.
Since I was cursed I’ve noticed an increased constitution. I don’t get out of breath very easily, I’m stronger, and faster than anyone my build; I’ve even taken a few bullets and recovered fully in under a couple of days. I expect, if it weren’t for this, the physical stresses of transforming would have killed me long before anything else. After eating, I really was feeling completely fit and well, and really, helping clean up was the least I could do after the veritable feast Jayden had just served me.
I opened their closet door, and searched for something that might fit. The variety of clothes Jayden kept was vast: an eclectic collection of jeans, both baggy and skinny, skirts, leggings, tees, blouses, button ups, and even some more exotic items such as a couple of capes and a kilt. Jayden was right in that we wear similar enough sizes as I selected some regular fit jeans and a tee from a horror convention.
Jayden didn’t notice me as I left their bedroom, occupied as they were with the kitchenette. Their apartment was fairly large for a one bedroom. There was enough room for a large TV complete with a modest DVD collection, a small dining table that could seat 4 or 5 comfortably, in addition to the kitchenette. I made my presence known.
“So… How can I help?”
Jayden jumped. “Oh. um…” It was clear they hadn’t actually expected me to be able to help. “Here, take over scrubbing and rinsing. I’ll dry it all off and put it away.”
I really was happy to help. Not just because I was grateful for the food, but the mundanity and repetition gave me something productive to do with my hands as I considered Jayden’s inevitable, uncomfortable questions.
“So… what exactly were you doing in Yellowstone?”
I didn’t really want to answer. I didn’t like to trust people at the best of times, and I also knew that wandering off into the wild wasn’t exactly the smartest plan. But surely, Jayden had done enough to earn my trust. They could have taken me to some lab to be poked, prodded and constantly observed. They didn’t have to spend what probably was the entire morning preparing me food, and they could have easily expected me to somehow compensate them the time and money they had already spent on me.
So I told them. I told them everything. From the “wolf” attack during my vacation in Europe, to running away from home after my first transformation, and the subsequent months aimlessly drifting from city to city. The stress of checking the news every morning after hoping no one had found a body or lost a pet, the kindness of strangers, and of course my semi-suicidal decision to become some sort of wildman wandering Yellowstone. And they listened, without judgment, asking the occasional question to clarify some details. I’d never poured myself out to someone before. A weight I didn’t know I was carrying lifted, and I felt an overwhelming relief that threatened tears. The comfortable repetition of scrubbing the dishes managed to keep me composed; offering me a ready made distraction whenever I needed it.
Jayden considered my story for a long moment.
“I hope you know I can’t just let you loose in Yellowstone. We both know you can’t survive a week. But I can offer you a place to stay… ‘till we can get you a job and your own place at least”
As much as I wanted to, my instinct told me never to stay in one place for too long. I have never stayed with one person for more than a week or two, but that was usually to keep my curse a secret and Jayden already knew. Regardless, getting a job and settling down was a bad idea. The longer I stayed in one place, the more likely the inevitable animal maulings would be linked back to me.
“I appreciate the offer, but I really can’t stay for more than a few weeks. I don’t want to be around next full moon; killing people who offer me kindness isn’t exactly a hobby of mine, and I should really keep moving. If I can’t stop or reduce the killing I have to protect myself.”
Jayden’s thoughtful, mystifying, silence was somewhat clarified by their expression: eyebrows inching together in concern, and lips thinning in a thoughtful grimace.
“Do you trust me?” They said, finally.
The question took me off guard. I wanted to say no. I couldn’t trust people: I became a monster, a thing of evil, three nights out of the month, every month. But…
“Yes, I do.”
Later that day, Jayden and I trekked back through Yellowstone to retrieve what was left of my stuff. On the way Jayden asked a lot of questions. I suppose it’s in a researcher’s training to always be gathering information. It began with softballs about where werewolf myth met reality.
“What about the silver thing? Do you think you’re invulnerable to anything but silver?”
“Well I have been shot… I doubt the bullets were silver, and I’m obviously not dead, but it hurt like it’d kill me. I’m not exactly eager to get shot again to find out. My best guess is I bet I’m not invulnerable to other metals but I am probably a damn sight tougher than most. People or wolves.”
“And you transform three consecutive days out of every month?”
“Yeah. Last night was the last for this month. Guess the moon is full enough the night before and night after the true full moon. Feels the same all three nights though.”
The questions were mildly annoying, but if I was going to trust Jayden, and I really did want to trust them, I was not going to hide anything.
“And I don’t suppose you’ve encountered wolfsbane.” Jayden’s light chuckle indicated they weren’t being entirely serious.
“I don’t think I could tell you what it even looks like. But if you find any, we can brew it into a tea.” I smiled. It felt good to joke about my curse. I had never really had the opportunity before.
Jayden continued to chuckle “That would be a very bad idea. Wolfsbane is pretty poisonous.”
“Well then. Either way problem solved.” Even as dark as the joke was we continued to welcome the levity.
Our laughter died down, and Jayden resumed their questions with a more practical theme.
“Do you remember anything that happens when you transform?”
“Not really. It’s pretty hazy. I think it's because the beast is so consumed with how hungry it is the details get lost.”
“But you do remember some things.”
“Sensations, emotions, brief images, yeah. I don’t really try very hard to remember the details.”
They digested this information for a while.
“Do you travel very far?”
“While I’m the beast? Not really. I don’t exactly measure the distance, but sometimes I have to bum a ride back to where I left my car. I don’t think I’ve ever made it to the next town over or anything though.”
Unsurprisingly, the campsite was in shambles. The food I had rationed for myself was gone. The metal lockbox I kept it in was torn in two and tossed aside. The small tent was shredded along with the campmat and sleeping bag inside. My previously worn clothes (not calling them dirty made it easier to wear them multiple days without washing) were completely shredded. However, what unworn clothes I had managed to get to a laundromat a few nights ago were entirely untouched.
“Do you often destroy your dirty clothes when you transform?”
I winced. “Yeah. It’s been a pain to replace at least 3 days of clothes every month.”
Hmm” was all the response I got from Jayden.
Luckily my remaining stash of money was untouched. I jammed it into my pockets and made a mental note to set aside some for Jayden as thanks. Also salvageable were my serviceless phone, survival books, most of my survival equipment, and the backpack I managed to stuff it all into.
“Looks like after you shredded your tent and clothes, and got into your food you tracked back to your car. Then proceeded to destroy that…” Jayden observed mostly to themself.
I busied myself repacking my stuff so I didn’t have to respond.
Jayden insisted we clean up the detritus strewn about the campsite. I usually never stuck around to clean up my own messes. Doing so had a tendency to spark some memories I’d rather leave forgotten, but they insisted, and I recognized it was the right thing to do. It struck me at that moment how rarely I factored “what was right” into what I did. I was usually too focused on how I was going to survive, sane, and undetected, to even consider such luxuries. Flashes of remembered hunger, violence and frustration seared through my mind as I collected the shattered remnants and memories of the prior night. I hated every moment. I don’t think I would have admitted it at the time, preferring to stew in my bad feeling, but I did feel a sense of closure in the cleaned campsite. I also couldn’t ignore the practicalities of getting rid of potentially incriminating evidence. If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t have been able to tell that a violent beast had rampaged through here just hours ago.
The following weeks were, odd. Even now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can’t put my finger on any element or combination of elements that made me feel this way. Perhaps, I had some kind of intuitive sense that I had reached a turning point in my life. I was no stranger to freeloading off people’s couches, or doing chores for them to earn my keep, but living with Jayden felt different, nicer. There was their insistence that I spend some of my time job searching, and they seemed a bit more particular than most I had stayed with about getting chores done to their standards. Not that I thought that was a problem, even then. I welcomed the increased accountability. It was never very difficult work: keeping the apartment clean, taking out the trash, getting the mail, shopping, that kind of thing, and it was nice doing the mundane housework. Feeling normal was a luxury my curse had taken away. I tried not to think about what was going to happen next full moon. I’d have to get away somehow so I wouldn’t… I really didn’t want to think about what was going to happen to me, or Jay, next full moon.
Finding a job was, as it always is, a frustrating experience. Especially in my case given my many unique challenges. I had no real phone so I could only contact places in person, by snail mail to Jay’s apartment, or through email. They also had to accommodate my “monthly obligations”; a unique restriction that proved difficult to talk around. I also had very little working experience: just a summer job that helped a bit with paying for college. Three weeks after I began living with Jay I was honestly beginning to give up. I checked my email dutifully every morning on Jay’s computer but I didn’t actually expect a response; I was just not convenient to employ. Until that third Friday.
When I saw the email from the department store with “Housewares Position” in the subject line I honestly expected another polite rejection, and I almost didn’t open it. A strong sense of anxious guilt moved me to do so anyway. A giddy excitement I hadn’t felt since before my first transformation grew slowly at first as I scanned the email. Then it grew exponentially as it really sunk in that I got the job. It wasn’t much, but it was full-time, wouldn’t keep me past sunset, and paid just well enough that I could maybe start looking for a place to live. It really was miraculous.
I leapt up from Jay’s computer and urgently left the bedroom. Jay hadn’t left for work yet and was sipping coffee while looking at their phone.
“I got it!” I blurted without context.
“What? Got what?” They said glancing up from their phone.
“The Housewares job!” I had their full attention now.
“That’s awesome Ash!” Their wide grin compounded my excitement. Suddenly they burst out laughing.
“What?"
“Name’s Ash, housewares” They said through fits and sputters of laughter. “Of all the jobs you applied for you got the housewares job.”
Now I was really confused. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing’s wrong it’s just there’s this famous horror movie character named Ash, he works housewares at a department store... Doesn’t matter. What matters is: this means we have cause to celebrate tonight!” They were silent in thought for just a moment. “How do you feel about steak?”
“That sounds amazing.”
“Great! I’ll cook us a nice dinner tonight after I get home from work.”
“Need me to pick up anything?”
“No, that’s alright I’ll take care of everything.”
There wasn’t anything that needed to be done that day, and time moved agonizingly slowly as I anticipated that night. I hadn’t been this happy or excited since before I was cursed; I was actually starting to put my life together, and I had a true friend in Jay. By 5:30 I was nervously pacing around the apartment idly tidying up the already well organized space when I heard a Jay kick at the door. My tightly coiled excitement sprung me to the door, which I popped open with a sudden jerk. Jay stood on the opposite side, arms laden with grocery bags, an infectious air of excitement swirling around us.
“You’re going to let me in right?”
“Oh. right” I blushed hard and stepped aside.
Jay immediately began busying themself with preparing dinner.
“Need me to help at all?”
“No, thank you, I got it.” Maybe it was just the euphoric excitement of the day coloring my perception but I could have sworn there was melodic, sing-song, cadence to their voice.
I am usually a pretty patient person, but now I found it difficult to even sit still as I waited for Jay to prepare our dinner. I tried to busy myself with my phone but it was nigh impossible to focus on anything for more than a few seconds. I found myself glancing up at them as they worked. I don’t think they noticed; focused as they were on preparing the meal. Being honest my excitement had more to do with Jay than getting the job. Getting it was nice, and I was excited to get some sort of income, but I loved seeing Jay get so excited, and I was equally excited to have dinner with them. Sure we usually ate together in the evenings, but this felt like it was going to be different. Whereas usually Jay asked me to prepare something simple for the both of us, and it was hardly anything formal, Jay was making a steak dinner “taking care of everything”. I resisted the thought, I couldn’t be so lucky, but I wanted this dinner to mean more to us than just a celebration of my employment.
I snapped my eyes back at my phone as I noticed them looking in my direction. I didn’t want to be caught staring. I think they noticed anyway, especially since I’m pretty sure I was still blushing.
“Would you mind setting the table?” They asked as they finished plating the steak and mashed potatoes.
“Yeah, No problem” I took the loaded plates from Jay and set them on the table, and layed out the silverware.
“Oh, Um… Ash, the forks go on the left.”
I blushed harder. “Oh, right.”
I really was distracted. I knew how to set a table… I just hadn’t done it a lot since I was on the move. I also failed to notice the wine they poured out for us until they placed the glasses on the table. They really were going all out on this. I tried and failed to squash the hopeful thought of what this dinner might actually mean to them… to us. We began to eat. The steak and potatoes were delicious, though at that point it hardly mattered what it tasted like. The whole situation was nice. Usually, for me, it was stuff that felt normal that was nice, but this was nice and extranormal.
“You alright Ash? You look a bit... nervous.”
“Me? I’m fine. I mean having a job is new, and um this” I gestured at the meal and the situation as a whole “Is well… a bit unusual for me. fancy dinners, steak, and wine and all that.” My casual facade wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all Jay.
“Good unusual?” They sounded, concerned?
“No yeah, great actually. It’s all very delicious.” I reassured them.
“Great!” They broke into a smile which I couldn’t help returning.
I was intoxicated; that fact was far less ambiguous than the source of the intoxication. Whether it was from the alcohol, the prospect of a steady paycheck, or a steak dinner with Jay seemed so irrelevant. This was the best I had felt and the happiest I had been since the curse changed my life. As we chatted over dinner, time, for once in my life, ceased to be. I wasn’t worried about the next full moon or even the rest of the evening.
“So I was thinking… after dinner... if you’re interested. There’s a favorite movie I’ve been meaning to watch again and I think you’d like it.” In Jay’s voice I detected a tone kin to my own nervous energy.
High as I was on everything the evening had been, it didn’t matter what Jay suggested.
“Sure! What did you have in mind?”
They flashed me another smile. “Are you familiar with Clive Barker?”
“I think I’ve heard the name at some point. He’s an author isn’t he?”
“Yeah, primarily, but he’s dabbled in pretty much everything; video games, painting, plays… As for movies he’s most famous for Hellraiser, which is pretty good, but I personally think his best work in film is Nightbreed, and I’ve kinda been itching to see it again recently.”
“So it’s a horror movie?”
“Sorta, it’s not really it's… well you’ll see.”
They were correct it wasn’t really a horror movie. It had monsters, gore and disturbing imagery, but it was really more of a dark fantasy about this guy, Aaron Boone, finding his place in a society of oppressed “monsters”, becoming their messiah, Cabal, and saving them from fearfully violent humans. I tried to pay as much attention to it as I could, but some part of my mind always wandered back to Jay. We were sharing the couch and they were next to me sitting, close. Throughout most of the movie I couldn’t help but notice how close they were sitting; over analyzing the exact distance, that is until that distance became zero as they leaned on my shoulder.
Looking up they asked quietly: “This isn’t too awkward for you is it?”
“No, this is alright,” I replied, eyes locked on the screen. It was awkward, but that didn’t mean I wanted it to stop. Out of the corner of my eye I saw, or perhaps just imagined, them smile.
It was a decently long movie, a full two hours, but it didn’t feel like it. After the credits rolled (Jay always insisted on sitting through the credits). They got up to retrieve the disk.
“Well… what did you think?”
I think I had their little plan figured out from about a quarter of the way through the movie; it was cute in its own way. But I needed them to understand. I stood up; my giddy mood ran out of fuel and dropped from cloud 9 back to reality with surprising speed.
“Look I appreciate what you may have had in mind but I’m not some movie hero. I’ve murdered people, innocent people. When I transform I’m not some sympathetic, rational outcast lashing out against an unjust society, I… I become a monster.”
They were taken aback. It took some time for them to respond.
“No you don’t.” It was a simple statement of fact. “If you became a monster when you hunt and eat, than you’re already a monster for eating steak. You haven’t murdered anyone any more than the wolf packs I track and study have murdered elk or deer.”
“People and elk aren’t the same, Jay.” I was starting to get agitated. How dare they suggest that I’m innocent, too many people are dead because of me. Because of what I become.
“That’s not the point.” They remained impassive against my growing frustration. Far from arguing they were simply stating facts. “You weren’t killing out of cruelty, or malice. You were hungry.”
“It’s not a normal hunger. It’s… unnatural, evil”
“It’s perfectly natural. It takes a lot of energy to undergo complete metamorphosis.” I’m sure they didn’t mean it but their factual tone was patronizing. Like I was in an elementary science class “A caterpillar spends most of its life eating before it spends anywhere from two weeks to two years completely changing its form, and you do it in less than two minutes. Of course you’re starving afterwards.” An edge of frustration sharpened their point.
"Oh. So I just need to eat a big dinner and I’ll be a docile little puppydog!?” I was almost shouting by this point. This was rediculous I was a fucking werewolf. A cursed, unnatural beast of violence and death. Cursed to kill and eat and nothing more.
“Have you ever tried it?” They were still using that maddeningly flat logical tone, but the edge of frustration continued to get more pronounced.
What made it worse is that they were being perfectly reasonable. I hadn’t really had the opportunity to gorge myself before the transformation. Rather, I had tried to restrain myself; locking myself in rooms, chaining myself up, that sort of thing, but that only lead to broken doors and shattered chains. I gave that up in a hurry.
I was at a loss for a response. I stood there stewing in my anger and indignation.
“Well? Have you?” The sharp frustration began to sound more like anger.
“No… But you’re talking about… taming a fucking werewolf Jay!” I was yelling by this point “I’m a monster like Lon Chaney on that fucking movie poster not some protected species!”
“You’re not a monster.” They insisted. “You’re not cursed. You’re unique in a way some can only dream about.”
“Who!? Who would want this!?”
“I would!”
I was in shock.
“No, You don’t! You don’t know what it’s like, you can’t know what it’s like. You don’t get to say that. This isn’t some fucking game Jay.”
“Look, Ash, I’ve given this a great deal of thought.” Their combination of patronizing factuality and barely disguised frustrated anger was beginning to make me sick. “You just make this harder on yourself because you lack the knowledge to properly deal with it, so you’re only choice is to hate yourself. You’re so… confident in your own ignorance that you won’t allow yourself even the slightest bit of compassion and understanding-”
“Compassion and understanding of what!?” I cut them off “That I’m a fucking murderer!? You don’t know what it’s like! You haven’t felt what I’ve felt: the joy and satisfaction of making a meal of someone’s family or pets, the thrill of the chase; sometimes even letting them get away just long enough to enjoy chasing them down again. How can I accept that Jay!? How can I have compassion for that!?”
Tears I didn’t even know I was holding back poured forth as I suddenly lacked the strength to stand; collapsing onto the couch. I tried in vain to suppress sobs, and pretended not to notice as Jayden sat down next to me, and didn’t say anything for a long time. I wanted them to leave. They had no right to idealize me as they did. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t see me as I saw myself: an unholy violent monster who revels in the death of innocents.
“Do you trust me?”
“What?”
“Do you trust me.” they repeated. It wasn’t so much a question as a reminder.
“I don’t know” I said barely above a whisper
“Please, hear me out anyway.”
Blinking away tears I looked up, into their eyes.
Jay pronounced every word with soft clarity “You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like and I have no idea what will happen next full moon. But the wolf is a part of you now and nothing we can do will change that. Regardless, based on your account and my professional observations. I believe that we can make you safe. Do you trust me.”
There was an interminable silence. I was too spent to be frustrated anymore. I’m not sure I actually believed that I wasn’t a monster, but Jay did. Regardless I couldn’t argue anymore. I suppose, even then, I knew on some level that they were right. It was all I could do to just nod. They returned a little smile that did more to lift my mood than I would have admitted at the time.
“And just for the record.” Jay surprised me by breaking the silence. “I didn’t have anything ‘in mind’ as you put it. I just like the movie and wanted to share it with you.”
I didn’t say anything more that night. At first it was easy to put the events of the night out of my mind and focus on my new job, but after a few days, stocking and zoning became routine, and I couldn’t help but dwell on it. Maybe I should have apologized about that night. I wasn’t really sure how they felt about our argument. I admit that I assumed things I shouldn’t have and got heated, but surely they did as well. And after I broke down we both admitted fault… in a way. Didn’t we? Even days later I still hadn’t said anything to Jay about that night, they hadn’t said anything either, which was maddening. Was it too late to say something? Were they even expecting me to?
“Hey! Watch where you’re goin!”
I snapped back to reality and pulled back on the cart of product I was about to shelve and stopped just short of running over a coworker.
“Shit,” I muttered. “Sorry Rich.”
“Don’t sweat it… You doin alright? I know you’re still new and figurin things out an all but you seem real distracted.”
“I’m fine… just got a lot on my mind I guess.”
“Girl trouble?” he inquired
“Not exactly.”
“Boy trouble?” he needled further; curiosity blending seamlessly with a more innocent concern.
“Just… Trouble. Look, I appreciate your concern but it’s a bit of a long story"
“Well I got time after my shift. Tell me ‘bout it once you’re out. Don’t wanna get nearly run down by ya ‘gain” He chuckled at his own joke as we both turned our attention back to our respective work.
Rich was a rare breed of retail worker; one that seemed to somehow enjoy his job. A rarer breed than I: I’m just a werewolf I smirked to myself. He had an unassailable optimism that seemed an impossible standard to live up to. Mildly irritating as it could be it was also a refreshing foil to my customary pessimism. It was a perspective I decided I needed as I met him in the breakroom after I clocked out.
“Hey Ash! Honestly thought you’d leave me hanging I almost didn’t hang back. So what’s up?”
“Not sure where to begin actually…”
“Hey I usually spend ‘bout now wastin money and braincells at a bar so take your time.”
I sat across from him in thought for a while trying to figure out how best to edit the more… exotic aspects of my life out of my problems.
“Well I live with… this person, and a few nights back a conversation got a bit… heated? And things, at least for me, feel awkward.” Rich nodded, silently listening. “I don’t know how they feel about it. They seem to be going on as if nothing happened, but I feel guilty I guess. But I guess we sorta both admitted or at least implied some kinda fault at the end of the argument maybe that’s enough. They seem so unperturbed about the whole thing.”
“Why’s it matter?”
“What do you mean, why does it matter?” my anger began to flair “It matters cause they’re the first… friend that I’ve had since-” I stopped myself before my exasperation let something slip “Since a long time.”
“Hey relax, Not what I meant Ash. I mean why should their feelings on it change how you feel. Ya clearly feel guilty so apologize. That simple.”
“I guess, but what if I’m just overreacting and it’s all nothing.”
“Then y’all have a good laugh about how worked up you were, and feel better. Don't overthink it.” Rich seemed about to leave it at that but after a moment of thought must have decided to press a little further. “Course, and sorry if I’m overstepping my bounds here I don’t really know the situation, but hazarding a guess: your problem might be more ‘bout wanting to be more’n just friends with this person and ya don’t know if they feel the same way.”
The comment stopped me short. It was obvious that this was about how, hostile I behaved. I didn’t need to shout at Jay to make my point and I did, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself apologizing if they didn’t think I did anything wrong or didn’t care.
Noticing the thoughtful look on my face Rich pressed his advantage a bit further.
“Way I figure it you’re overthinking all this cause ya don’t wanna blow it. Come off all cool and confident for this person ya wanna impress.”
I don’t think impressing Jay was an option at this point. I mean when we met I was at the most vulnerable I’d ever been. But Rich’s point was well taken. I did want to be closer to Jay, and I didn’t want to screw anything up.
“You might be right.” I confirmed for Rich. “or mostly anyway. Thank you. Seriously. I’m not used to opening up like this.” That was the truth. I’d been stuck in my own head for too long. I got too good at retreating.
“Hey, what else are co-workers for? Aside from having someone to bitch to when your job sucks”
“Well you never seem to have that problem.”
“You’d be surprised. You’ve only been here ‘bout a week, and we haven’t even hit the holidays yet. This is easy street.”
I resolved to talk to Jay about that night, and if that went well enough even go so far as to admit my feelings for them. Of course that didn’t make it easy. Even before the curse I had little experience admitting my feelings. It was always easier to ignore them and just move on with my life. But Jay was so close; I lived out of their apartment for christ’s sake I didn’t have any excuses. I also had a deadline. Neither of us could be sure what would happen when I transformed again that Saturday; meaning I had Friday, and most of Saturday, but once the full (or near enough anyway) moon was visible all bets were off.
They were surprisingly scarce Friday. They were gone before I even awoke that day (which was surprising in and of itself given my semi-permanent residence on their couch), leaving only a note explaining they needed to head to work early and that they would be home late so I shouldn’t wait on them for dinner. The apartment felt extraordinarily lonely without them. Even more so now that I had resolved to talk to them. Work wasn’t much better. I managed to stay a bit more attentive, and didn’t nearly run down Rich again, but my thoughts always slid to endless revisions, and hypotheticals of how to apologize to Jay; each worse than the last. But, if anything, Saturday was even worse.
Jay must have got home from work shortly after I had fallen asleep as they were home when I awoke that morning. I slept in on weekends, a habit carried over from my college days so it was about 10 AM. They were reading something on their phone and muttering inaudibly to themself. I didn’t catch anything of what they were muttering, but when they noticed I was awake they stopped.
“Morning,” I half groaned bringing myself to a state resembling wakefulness.
“Oh. Morning.” they replied with the aire of surprise that comes from noticing someone for the first time. “Tonight’s the night isn’t it. How’re you feeling?”
“Ask me in an hour when I’m actually awake.”
“I would, but actually I have some things to take care of today, so I’m going to be gone a lot of the day again.”
I grunted my understanding while simultaneously trying not to sound annoyed. The implications of Jay being gone for most of this day in particular hit my brain with the speed and power of a steamroller.
“You be back before sunset?” I managed, my voice not yet having caught up with the urgency of my intent. “Got something I need to tell you before…”
They checked the time on their phone. “Should be but I should really head out now. Got a lot to do. Don’t forget to eat today, as much as you can, and try to take it easy. Save up your energy for tonight” They rushed out the door shortly thereafter.
Anxious as I was, forcing myself to eat was a struggle. I wasn’t very hungry to start with and my nervousness threatened to reverse my efforts if I went too fast. Even so, I managed to eat more than usual and noticed that Jay must have stocked up on food last night. The cabinets and fridge were full to bursting with a variety of easy prep foods. The care Jay demonstrated with me was very reassuring.
Regardless, being alone in the apartment even the most ridiculous of thoughts were given the space to run through my head. They obviously wouldn’t abandon me in their apartment for me to transform and inevitably destroy. They promised to help me become safer and I trusted them to keep that promise, but what if. They might lose track of time while they were out taking care of whatever it was that they needed to take care of and not make it back in time for me to talk to them. Or they could come back on time but I screw things up trying to apologize or they’re creeped out by the confession of my feelings. The wait was agonizing in a far less pleasant way than the day of that dinner.
My heart skipped and my mind briefly went blank as I heard Jay at the door.
“Where are we going?”
Jay had rushed me out of the apartment ,and into their car the moment they got home; not even allowing me to get a word in until we were on our way.
“Someplace safer that you’re familiar with. Can’t have you get all furry in the middle of an apartment complex after all. This morning you mentioned there was something you needed to tell me? Now would be the time.”
“Right.” whether they realized it or not they had just put on the pressure, and I still had no idea how best to approach this. “Well about that night last week.”
Jay visibly sagged.
“I guess I just need to apologize. Things got a little heated, I made some hasty assumptions and shouted a lot. I haven’t really felt right about it since. So sorry about that argument I got a bit out of hand there.”
“Thank you.” they replied with a warmth that made my heart flutter. “I’ve been thinking a lot about that too, and I wasn’t exactly sensitive either.” their voice darkened “I’m sorry too. It felt so unfair that… your condition, happened to you: someone who didn’t even want it and couldn’t deal with it when I… Well I think I could deal with it.”
“You still do? After hearing about how it’s affected me?”
“Maybe… I’m not sure…” They brightened up again as they changed the subject “But that’s part of what tonight’s about I have so much planned!”
“What exactly do you have planned? You gonna force feed me and tie me up somewhere?” I replied half joking.
“Do you want me to do that?” they said slyly.
My mind suffered a fatal error as I worked through the implications and took a second to reboot. “N-no I just- I mean-” The hard reset wasn’t entirely successful.
“It’s alright I wouldn’t do that unless it’s what you really want.” They winked at me forcing another hard reset “But I think I’ll keep my secrets: it’s all so much more fun if it’s a surprise.”
“Well what about you? Are you going to be safe?”
“As I can be. There’s a lot of unknowns, but I don’t intend on getting close, and in case things get really bad I… um… ‘borrowed’ a dart gun. As a last resort only.”
It was around that time that I noticed some recognizable landmarks from last month.
“We’re headed into Yellowstone.” I realized.
“Yup. I tried to find a suitable spot close to your campsite. Figured it would help if after transforming you found yourself in a familiar place. We shouldn’t be disturbed; I called in a few favors.”
“Before or after you stole the dart gun?”
All they could do is return a guilty look.
We pulled into the same place I had parked a month ago and began to unload. Jay had brought a massive cooler, about 3 ft. long and really heavy, stacked on top of it was a pair of paper bags that smelled a bit odd. They also donned a backpack from the back of the car. We began an agonizing trek into Yellowstone’s deep wooded wilderness.
“What is all this?” I asked straining under the weight of it all
Jay only responded with a smile possibly because of how heavy the load was. Jay stopped at the place they had picked out: a large clearing roughly half a mile away from last month’s campsite. The sun was breaching the horizon by this point turning the sky a color distressingly reminiscent of fresh blood. My concern must have showed as Jay was quick to reassure me.
“The moon won’t be up for about another 30-40 minutes I have enough time to get some distance, and I’m taking these with me.” They grabbed the paper bags and started off back the way we’d come.
“So this is it? You’re just gonna drop me off out here?”
“Reconsidering getting me to tie you up?” they were joking of course but they also sounded… hopeful?
I gave them a look that I wasn’t kidding around, and they took the hint.
“I’ll be keeping my eye on you. I brought some binoculars and I can climb a tree pretty well when I need to. Gotta go now if I’m going to get to a safe distance.” As they dashed off they called back “I’ll meet back up with you ‘round dawn, dinner’s in the cooler. Have fun!”
I was left in the middle of the clearing; completely disoriented. This was really not how expected the evening to go. My heart sank and I got frustrated with myself. I completely forgot to tell them how I felt in all the confusion. Hopefully, I would get a chance to, but my experience up to this point strongly suggested otherwise. I considered taking a peek inside the cooler, but figured I’d find out soon enough anyway. I merely sat down and watched the sun sink below the horizon. I considered stripping down before I realized, blushing hotly, that Jay was probably watching me from some treetop perch.
By the time the sky was dark, I was laying on my back staring up at the stars. So many more of them were visible out here in Yellowstone. I began to notice, for the first time, constellations I had learned, but never actually saw before because of all the light pollution of cities and suburbs. Lost in my thoughts and the stars above, I almost didn’t notice the itching that spread across my body as its hair thickened and the transformation began.
The transformation was never painful; rather it was weird. The shifting of my skeleton and internal organs into a lupine configuration caused a queasy uncomfortable feeling. I felt brief pressure as the clothes I was wearing strained and ripped against the force of my increasing mass. My mouth and nose lengthening into a snout was accompanied by a build in the vividness of scent and a dulling of vision. The lupine instincts began to gain ground in my consciousness as decades of social training took a back seat. It was then that I began to notice the delicious scent wafting from the cooler, and the first rumblings of the cursed hunger began to spread from my stomach. My ears climbed my head and turned into points sharpening my aural acuity. As my new skeletal and muscular structures began to make laying on my back uncomfortable I rolled over onto my front paws and drew my back legs under me for support. The process finished in just over a minute, and I was hungry.
I sniffed around the cooler recognizing a few distinct scents. Raw meat with curiously none of the accompanying scents of a fresh kill, and two distinct human scents. One less familiar but somehow carried some positive feelings, but the other very familiar. A scent associated with overwhelming hunger, and worse, confinement. A scent I had learned to hate. I instinctually flattened my ears and growled. I’ve never met the source of that scent but the associations cemented that they were a threat. A threat I could only respond to by destroying their things as a warning.
I was, on some level, aware that the usual overwhelming hunger was absent. Not completely but it was certainly dull and tolerable. I wasn’t restrained either, but I was still wary nonetheless. I sniffed the air. The source of the hated scent had been here recently but was no longer present. Still merely smelling it got me riled up. I investigated for any sign of the offending human. I found only the clothes that they typically left behind whenever I smelled them. So I unleashed my anger on that. Snarling and growling I shredded the fabric soaked in the foul human stench until it resembled little more than a pile of fibers.
Then, my anger satisfied, I nudged the cooler over, the lid flipped open and a whole skinned lamb carcass spilled out; kept fresh amongst ice cubes. I ate gratefully, and with my hunger mostly satisfied I marked the now empty food cache. I sniffed the air once again searching for the scent trail of the less familiar human.
I caught the trail, and followed it into the trees. Hazy positive memories managed to push themselves to the surface of my mind, but in the absence of a human context they didn’t quite make sense. I could only understand them flashes of warmth, softness, and happiness. Also puzzing was the additional scents that accompanied the human scent, new scents that piqued my curiosity.
While the human scent grew stronger steadily, I could tell I was already close to one of the unfamiliar scents. The trail led to a hollow stump. There was a food scent in the stump, and I was never going to turn down food. I stuck my snout into the stump and grabbed the object placed inside. It was a brightly colored round object. It, in and of itself was not food but it had food in it.
I chewed experimentally. It yielded to my jaws, but was tough and my teeth couldn’t pierce it. Frustrated, I shook it hoping to free the maddeningly delicious smelling morsel. When that didn’t work I tossed it, rolled it around, did everything my lupine mind could think of to get at the precious treasure within. The challenge was thrilling I just HAD to get at the thing inside and it wasn’t going to stop me. I noticed a hole about half the size of my, admittedly massive, paws. It was too small for my snout but if I could just...
I managed to hook a foreclaw and my lower jaw around the edges of the hole and ripped it in two. The morsel launched into the air. I instinctually snapped at it and was rewarded with its deliciousness. Eagerly, I locked back onto the human’s scent trail looking forward to the next find. It took quite some time to track down the next scent. I almost got distracted a few times by unrelated other scents, prey and food scents mostly, but I focused on my curiosity and resolved to track down the unfamiliar human and the curious scents that followed them.
The next one was buried… poorly. Whoever hid this probably wanted it to be found, plus it was unmarked. Curiously, it didn’t have the same food sent the other object had. It was a scent I had never encountered before. It looked, felt, and tasted like nothing more than a box full of crumpled paper but the smell. An unusual blend of floral and animal scents. I investigated it quite thoroughly; nosing it around, sniffing, nibbling and pawing at it. Its existence was mystifying. Unable to learn any more about it I rolled in it spreading the scent all over my snout and back. It was, I supposed, possible I could run across some non-hostile wolf that had some additional experience and could indicate more to me. I moved on, unprepared for what I would find next.
The next scent on the trail had prey written all over it, but I couldn’t find the source at first. I could tell it was close, but the source wasn’t as strong as it should be. Not entirely unusual as smaller prey never smelled as strongly and some even had devious ways of mostly disguising their scent. After all, rolling often served a similar purpose when I was hunting. I was suddenly very proud of myself for having thought to roll in the strange scent, it might help me gain the element of surprise.
The prey scent was strongest near a small pile of sticks and leaves. As I approached I couldn’t help but notice that the human scent I was tracking was also very close. For now, however, the prey scent took priority. I nudged the pile, expecting it to hide the entrance to some den.
Something shot out of the pile; bopping my nose. I recoiled and felt the prey dash under me; between my legs with a shriek. I hopped around, and dashed after it. Whatever this thing was it was very stupid. It wouldn’t stop shrieking making for an easy chase, but the damn thing was fast and agile. It wove a complicated path through the foliage taking advantage of its small size.
It darted into a dense bush: too thick for me to enter. I circled the bush, ears perked, nose twitching, eyes scanning for any sign of my query. There was nothing for a long time. I could still smell it, it was nearby, but I couldn’t get at it. I almost gave up figuring the thing must be hiding under the bush when I heard it screech again from the far side as it bolted away. Why would it give its position away by screaming? If it had just left quietly I’d have lost it entirely. Of course it didn’t do to dwell on the motives of prey; not when they were so much fun to chase and catch.
I almost caught it. It must have been getting tired because it started to slow a bit, but I didn’t want the game to be over just yet. I snapped at it, purposely missing by a few inches, which had the desired effect of spurring it onward. The thrilling chase continued. I narrowly dodged around trees and bushes, lept over fallen trunks that my prey squeezed under. In letting my instincts carry me after the tiny screaming thing I felt freer and more focused than I could ever remember being. It was just me, my prey and the interesting and varied terrain we flowed through.
It became too glaring to ignore that the scenery was beginning to repeat. I even tried to push the prey to new ground, but it would endanger its own life rather than move beyond it’s surprisingly small territory. The chase was beginning to tire me. It lasted far longer than I could have ever imagined it would. Many times I had considered giving up, but then I got so tantalizingly close to catching it, but after such a long chase I was really ready to give up. I had chased this thing for far longer than I had ever chased anything. I also noticed the pitch of my prey’s constant scream began to deepen and it began to slow, it must be giving up too.
I slowed to a walk as it too slowed and stopped. It made no attempt to escape as I approached and nudged it. The prey scent was still there, but it also had an odd hot, sharp scent to it. It didn’t look like food, and upon an experimental nibble didn’t taste or feel like it. Perplexing as this was I began to put the pieces together. It had the scent of the fake metal and plastic creatures humans kept around. The prey scent was emanating from a bit of fabric attached to it that looked to be of the type humans put around the necks of the creatures they kept and fed in their dens.
I couldn’t put the pieces together anymore. Whether it was fatigue or lack of information; I couldn’t fathom why this mysterious human had placed these things around. Even through my fatigue, my curiosity burned. I caught the human scent again, picked up the fake creature, and went to finally find this human.
I tracked the scent back to a tree not far from where the fake creature was hidden. Sniffing, I realized they must have climbed the tree and were hiding in its branches. I looked up and was able to make out a human figure looking down at me. I put the fake creature down at the base of the tree and sat staring up at the human. They still merely looked at me. I wanted them to come down. I paced, and let out a little whine. Still they just stared. I layed down and rolled around a bit in invitation.
This had the desired effect, and they began to climb downward. In spite of myself I yipped, turned around on the spot, and sat down. They let themselves down off the tree but didn’t approach. So I moved close, rubbed up against them and licked their face. In response they reached up, stroked and picked at the place behind my ears. I leaned into the gesture and settled down next to them satisfied with the positive bond that was being formed. Now that they were close, I noticed a flicker of anger flare in me as the hated human’s scent seemed somehow present, but my bad feeling fled when they too settled down and leaned into me. I let them and enjoyed their presence.
I awoke sometime after dawn at the base of a tree, starving. This wasn’t entirely unexpected, but the blanket keeping me warm was, and Jay sleeping next to me was too. Thoughts that made me blush crashed into my mind. I tried to piece together exactly what happened last night, but my hunger stymied my efforts. Jay also shifted as they began to wake up. They were still wearing the clothes from the night before.
“Morning” they grunted “You’re probably hungry… protein bars in the pack. help yourself.”
Suddenly aware that I was once again naked in front of Jay I drew the blanket closer around me and searched in the nearby backpack for the bars.
“You do know I’ve seen you naked twice now right? No need to be modest.” Jay prodded still groggy from sleep.
I didn’t respond preferring to busy myself with satiating my hunger. As soon as I swallowed my first mouthful I asked the all important question.
“I don’t remember too clearly. Did last night go well?”
“I’ll say.” they said stretching themself to wakefulness. “Far better than I could have expected to be honest.”
“Really?” I prodded hoping to provoke further information.
“You should try and remember it on your own. I want to hear your experience before I share mine.”
“Come on, that’s not fair. You know I can’t clearly remember what happens when I transform.”
“Try anyway, maybe this time will be different.”
I did. As I ate, I worked to reconstruct the events of the prior night. It came in flashes of sensation and emotion. There was the hunger, but weaker than usual, than an overwhelming violence and anger. Neither of these were unexpected experiences to remember from a transformation night, but while it was usually limited to those feelings there was more locked in my mind:
cold raw meat,
the plastic cooler,
a rubber ball?,
some kind of sweet smell.
It was fun: I was playing and then. My heart sank as I remembered the dark pleasure of a hunt. Deaded because it was usually accompanied with the intoxicating taste and feel of warm meat and blood… but not this time? An RC car? I didn’t recognize it at the time, but that’s what it was… I think. Then the tree… Jayden? I knew that whatever happened they were alright, there they were after all, waking up next to me, unharmed.
“Well. Do you remember anything?” Jay broke my thoughtful silence.
“I’m getting a bit of it. More so than usual…” It sounded so ridiculous, even in my head. “Did you have me chase an RC car with a pet collar attached?”
A grin spread across their face. “Yeah, one of my better ideas I think. Borrowed the collar off a park ranger friend of mine. He has a cat. Anything else?”
Were they pushing me to remember something specific? “I remember the treat ball… some scented paper… chasing the RC car…”
“And then…?” they pushed
“You were up in the tree. I wanted you to come down. You did I… licked your face.” it was suddenly very hot, but tossing the blanket off me was the last thing I wanted to do. I’m fairly sure the deep, red glow of my embarrassment could have lit a moonless night.
“Do you know what this means!?” I could think of a few answers that fit the bill, but their excitement seemed to render them completely ignorant of my burning face.
In spite of, or possibly because of, my humiliation, I realized that I was just served up the perfect opportunity to finish last night’s unfinished business, but they bowled me over before I could even open my mouth. “You, that is you when you’re transformed, must, to some extent anyway, have access to untransformed you’s memories.”
Their reading of events surprised me.
“No grown animal, no matter how intelligent, would be that willing to cuddle up with an unfamiliar person like you did.” they continued, “I can think of no other explanation. Maybe with time and focus you could gain total recall”
I thought I might have some further insight to add. “That reminds me. Since I wasn’t so distracted by hunger this time I noticed other things… other feelings I guess.” Ever the researcher they were listening intently. Eyes locked on mine. “Being the wolf, I felt free to act on certain... impulses. Impulses that I feel regardless of my shape.”
Time, ever the harsh, uncaring, and vile force, took this opportunity to stretch past its breaking point. I experienced lifetimes of anxiety in between my frantic heartbeats. I don’t know what response I was expecting but-
“You want to lick my face?”
Well it wasn’t a rejection… not exactly the response I would have hoped for.
“N-no I mean…” As I fumbled with words, I fully expected them to cut in with a definitive, sympathetic rejection. I wasn’t even hoping for reciprocation at this point. However, they were curiously silent, giving me the space to put my words in order. “N-not exactly I’d rather it be… a more human gesture?”
That’s when they leaned in and there was no more room for thinking. For once in my life the elastic force of time did me a favor.
“Like that?” they asked, breaking the moment.
I was alone in their car. Given that my hands were occupied with maintaining my modesty in the middle of a national park, I wouldn’t have been much help gathering the various toys and things from the prior night. I took the time alone to reflect on the past month. I was an entirely different person than I was the last time I transformed. No longer running, building a life, finding love. Things just seemed so perfect now, and for once it seemed stable. I was building a solid foundation that not even ‘The Big Bad Wolf’ could blow down.
But, I wasn’t ‘The Big Bad Wolf’ was I? Just ‘misunderstood’ as the cliche goes. I didn’t wantonly destroy anything last night, no one was harmed, and I was… happy for much of the time. I don’t know if I had ever known happiness on transformation nights before. I knew now that I could be happy and safe, even as the wolf, and with that security the future looked bright. Life isn’t perfect though, and even the brightest future still tarnishes.
Jay packed everything back into the car, slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine.
“Do you remember what happened to your clothes? I didn’t see for myself” They were worried about something, but I couldn’t imagine what.
“Sure. I ripped out of them when I transformed.”
“It looks worse than that.” they said with puzzling weight “What’s left is in the bag just behind you. Take a look.”
I reached behind the seat and looked into the bag. There wasn’t much left at all. If I hadn’t been wearing them just hours ago I don’t think I would have recognized these fabric scraps to be clothes. Sensory recall, drenched in hate, sent a shock through my brain.
“It might be nothing, but I have a theory.” They said, “Can you tell me everything you can remember about those clothes?”
“Hate. I hated the scent on them.”
“Your scent.”
“Yeah.”
Jay’s concern made sense now. I wasn’t safe. I couldn’t be safe. The wolf hated me. Or rather I hated myself. When I’m the wolf I don’t recognize the scent as myself and only know it by its associations: human, confinement, hunger, pain. While it wasn’t a direct threat to me it was, inevitably a threat to my belongings. It's why I destroyed my clothes and my car. It also threatened… anyone close to me. I couldn’t be sure but if Jay picked up enough of my scent I might…
“I have to move out.” I knew that must come next, it was the only way forward, but the words gouged a hole through my heart on their way out of my body.
“Yeah.” It hurt them to hear it as much as I hurt to say it “As soon as possible.”
I understood that any more time I spent with Jay as a human made it more likely the wolf me would notice my human scent on them and possibly... react poorly. That didn’t make it any easier to accept this ultimatum. To have the best part of my life snatched away so soon after I discovered it was not fair, but then I knew all too well by this point that life isn’t fair.
“No… Wait there’s another way.” It was so obvious, so clear now, and it was what they wanted anyway. Words tumbled from me, “my human scent isn’t on me when I transform. The wolf scent must overpower lingering human scents-
“No.” The quiet power of the word silenced me instantly.
“But it’s-”
“It’s not what I want. Not anymore.” They took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Seeing you transform, observing you as the wolf, playing with you was a wonderful experience I wouldn’t trade for the world, and I could tell you enjoyed it too, but…” they paused for a long time. “It’s difficult to put into words, but seeing it for real... changing like that… it’s not what I want for myself.”
“It doesn’t hurt, and we know I’m still me, and so you’d still be you…” I tried to understand their concerns but it didn’t make any sense.
“You are still you, but a different you. A you I still love, but one with different communication, behaviors, priorities… It’s like you are filtered through a different lens, and… I don’t want to be put through that filter.”
“I don’t understand.” I admitted “being the wolf… it's freeing. I only need to focus on the moment, I enjoy the simple things more, chasing and catching, discovering things-”
“I can’t make you understand Ash. It’s just... not for me...”
I still wanted to understand. To know why I had to hurt so much.
“But I still love you” they weren’t finished, “I still believe you can be made safe, but I can’t help you anymore. You need to take care of yourself, love yourself… all of yourself.”
I tried to formulate a response, but my thoughts littered the floor of my mind in shattered fragments like a sadistic jigsaw puzzle that has no solution.
“You can do this. We can be together again.” They noticed my stunned silence. “Do you trust me.”
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